MY Grown Up Christmas List

Ive realized that Ive become an adult, officially. This realization has occurred due to the things I want for Christmas:

1. My car cleaned/detailed interior/exterior
2. A vet visit for Peanut for his annual shots plus flea/worm meds
3. A basket of kitchen essentials (things as simple as Ziploc bags, napkins, saran wrap, Dawn dish soap, etc)
4. An oil change + tire rotation
5. My Car's  air system fixed (it doesn't seem to blow on your feet...and some how water gets trapped under floorboards)
6. A Vacuum



And yes, all of them are serious. Too bad Christmas is usually a time that you receive things you "want" and not need. What if you really want the things you need...more than things you dont really need. Sure i'd love Gossip Girl Season 3, but Id be much more appreciative of warm feet in my car when it snows or not having a rug covered in dog fur every day. Just sayin.

One day. (my new catch phrase)

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On a happy note, this holiday season is by far the most enjoyable as this is the first time Ive spent it with Jeremiah Parris. Its more magical than ever. I love him more each day. 8 months today, and going strong. I look forward to what exciting things life has in store for us. Good and Bad, we'll stick it through together.

Happy 8 months love!

This Just About Sums It Up

He says it's none of my damn business, how much he drinks.

And he doesn't have a problem, no mater what the whole town thinks.

At his baby's birthday party, there was whiskey on his breath,

Everybody wants to save him, but he's not ready yet.

You wanna scream, you wanna cry.

You want someone to tell you why,

All the hope that's in your heart is not enough.

You hit your knees, you shake your fists,

Oh, it's the deepest wound there is,

When you can't help the one you love.

Her sister reads the bible, her father sits an' snores.

They're with her every minute, 'cause they may not have many more.

She was dancin' in New Orleans, only seven weeks ago.

Life may go on without her, but not the life we know.

You wanna scream, you wanna cry.

You want someone to tell you why,

All the hope that's in your heart is not enough.

You hit your knees, you shake your fists,

Oh, it's the deepest wound there is,

When you can't help the one you love.

When someone's slippin' away,

Right before your eyes.

How useless we are,

Is a painful surprise.

You wanna scream, you wanna cry.

You want someone to tell you why,

All the hope that's in your heart is not enough.

You hit your knees, you shake your fists,

Oh, it's the deepest wound there is,

When you can't help the one you love.

When you can't help the one you love.

- Terri Clark

Balancing Two Loves

I am finding myself completely baffled by people that have it together. And by "it" I mean their lives. And by "their lives" I mean that they don't seem to have any trouble balancing everything they want, need, and hope to do. Maybe its all a mask and they really don't have it together. Maybe that's part of the balancing act is just making it appear that you're balancing everything. Being a magician. Maybe? It sure would make me feel alot better if that were the case.

Ive been in this situation before. But its never really carried as much weight as it does now. I'm working a 9-5:30 job, going to school 4 nights a week, have a dog that needs attention, and a man that I love and want to spend time with. Not to mention a family, friends, and the costume shop. Theres just not enough time in the days to do it all. The sad part about all of that, is a huge part of my life used to be theatre. I lived and breathed it. And now, I find it hard to even make it to other people's shows due to my own life continuing as normal. But the catch is, I'm not living my life with regrets. Im not sitting around hating life. I love my life. I love the people in it. I just am starting to miss my first love....the theatre.

How do people balance that? More specifically, how do couples balance their relationships when they're also involved in theatre? I know just from school demanding so much time that it can put a strain on a relationship to spend that much time apart. But there must be some magical equation that makes it work? No? Then surely theres some keys. Im at a point where I dont want to do theatre just to do it. That its okay to say no when Id only be doing something out of obligation. That in itself was huge. But what happens when I want to do something...but I also would like to spend time with the man I love? I dont know. Ive never been in love. And theatre is a big part of who I am. So how do I make them jive together?

I just feel so torn. I want to do both. I want to spend time with him, and still be involved in shows. But when Im involved in shows, my time with him is minimal...and that is a sad sad thing for me (and him). However, if I dont do shows, I eventually start getting the itch of missing them. I cant imagine my life without Jeremiah. But I cant imagine my life without theatre either. I dont want to choose between the two. I wont. They will coexist in my life. They have to. I just have to figure out how. How to balance it with all the other hats I wear.

Theres an opportunity that has come up to stage manage for a director that I love dearly and have worked with often. The catch is, rehearsals start 2 weeks after my school ends. Then there are two weeks off for holidays and we pick back up for rehearsals in January and rehearse til we open totaling about 6 weeks. By the time school is out, Ive just had 8 weeks of hardly seeing Jeremiah. They've been hard so far, and I can imagine they'll be harder as it continues. So to ask a patient loving man to spend another 6 weeks away from me? I feel like its cruel on some level. He's wonderful and tells me to do what I want to do. He will support me in whatever I decide. He wants me to be happy and wants me to not give up things I love. But I love them both. So, its just simply I dont know how to decide. There are consequences to each decision. Cant I just do both? haha

I know that next summer I will be busy starting in June running through the end of July with Carousel (which Ive been planning on since this last summer). And then I'm going to audition for Annie which will run next fall (its been over a year since I've been in a show already, by then it will have almost been 2 so Im really hoping that will work out). So if I take this Dec/Jan/Feb job, it will be three shows in one year. Ive done more before and loved it. But I had no one else to think about. My time was not better spent any other way. Now it is.... not that its better but its a whole different kind of deal. I wont do theatre all my life. Eventually I'll be too old or have too many kids or things of my own to do. I do plan on being with him all my life. But those facts dont make my decision any easier on whether to commit to another show.

I know its possible. I know it can happen. I just need to figure out how.

Or clone myself.

Discouraged

Today Im totally discouraged. Not neccessarily about the diet. Or weight loss.Or portion control i.e. being hungry. But Im discouraged about food today.

I ate this lunch, that smelled awesome when I cooked it, but tastes horrible. Its extra lean groung beef, a small tomato chopped up, and minced garlic. Ew. Ew. Ew. I couldnt do it. I forced myself to eat it a few days ago and today I couldnt. I ate all the meat out of it, and tried to eat some tomatoes and couldnt.

Then for dinner I went out on a limb and prepared some shrimp. Ive never bought or fixed shrimp in my life. However it looks delicious and Im very excited about it. The issue was I didnt know what vegetable to fix with it. SO last minute I grabbed a baggie and put fresh spinach in it. Im sure that wont be real delicious by any means.

So here's where I am. Ive eaten everything I know I like fixed just about any way I know how to for two meals a day for 19 days. Im out of ideas. And not only am I out of ideas but Im burned out on things. Im burned out on chicken. Im burned out on tomatoes. Im iffy about raw spinach. I really only like (or atleast how i'd know to cook it) beef, chicken, shrimp...onion, tomato, mixed greens/spinach. SO my diet has been very limited. Ive been all over websites finding receipes but my issue is that I need receipes that I can throw together in a total of 30 minutes. Im in real estate school at night after working a full day and the last thing I want to do is cook up some grand meal. Not to mention lots of the meals require a ton of spices that I dont have and probably wont use again (im not much of a cook to begin with).

Im not saying Im quitting. Im just discouraged. I need to know something delicous, particularly in the vegetable department, so that I dont get so discouraged I give up. I have amazing encouragement not just from my friends, boyfriend, and family here but from NYC (yay harrods!). But its getting hard to be bored and unpleased with food.

Any suggestions? Id gladly appreciate them. I can only eat the following:

100 grams of veal, beef, chicken breast, fresh white fish, lobster, crab, or shrimp.
One type of vegetable only to be chosen from the following: spinach, chard, chicory, beet-greens, green salad, tomatoes, celery, fennel, onions, red radishes, cucumbers, asparagus, cabbage.


and I have the one fruit down. I just need help with creativity for the vegetables and meats. Badly. No sauces, oils, spreads, starches, sugars. Pretty much any seasoning though. Got it? Ok. Who wants to come cook for me?

OOO I am excited about being reminded about eggs. I can have 1 whole + 3 whites. I bought that stuff last night. Trouble is, I have to be able to cook it at the time Im going to eat it. Which means Monday - Thursday, and Sunday lunch is not an option for egg. Bummer right.

On the bright side I have lost 21lbs in 21 days. On the other side, Im running out of gusto with food choices and still have 10 more days of this particular phase of the diet. Atleast after that I can eat things like cheese.

Wow. This took me the few minutes of my lunch break left and my whole afternoon break. Oh well. Its worth it.

I Cheated.

Yesterday at the wedding the hunger + hormones + everyone else drinking and eating got to me. I cheated on the HCG diet. I had lots of strawberries and grapes, a cracker with spinach artichoke, a small spoon of mac and cheese, a small spoon of beans, two baby carrots, two broccoli, and a deviled egg. The sad part, it wasnt even that good. I cheated for food that didnt satisfy my cravings. :( SO needless to say today is an apple day. I gained .7 (less than I thought I would). And all day its water and a total of 6 apples.

This could be interesting. But I did it to myself.

Here goes nothing!

On the other hand, Ashley and Daniel had a beautiful wedding! She looked gorgeous. Its awesome to see her finally married to the man she loves. It had been a long time coming. :) Im so happy for them both.

Life is Good

Today is a good day. Theres no particular reason really, its just that kind of day. I didnt even lose weight today. You'de think that would set my mood, but it doesnt. Im still down 16.1 pounds in 15 days. I am just feeling good about life today, so I got up earlier to come to work earlier to post this before work started. However Im sure it will be added to at breaks (Im going to actually take them today).

My Job is awesome. Im really really enjoying myself here! I feel like Im not only a big help to my boss, but I actually enjoy what Im doing. Theres lots to keep up with; lots to track. Ive been so busy that I havent even remembered what time it is to take my two breaks! Not to mention yesterday I was 15 minutes late for my lunch break due to getting things done. All that is not a complaint. I actually enjoy it! Its fun! And it makes the day FLY! Also, when you have a boss that cries from joy when they see how you organized their email with lables, its a good feeling. I felt like I kicked ass yesterday at work. And I liked that feeling.

My diet is going well! Its actually alot easier than I anticipated. The first few days were difficult but then you get used to it. Youre not as hungry. Its great. Though being not as hungry means I dont reach for my water as often. Before the water was a filler when I was starving. So im trying my best to keep the water intake up! I will say that the diet is weird on the digestion track. I will leave it at that, but those of you who've done HCG know. Originally I was only doing this for the 21 day term. But Ive decided to go for 29 days. That will make my first day to eat whatever I want, Thanksgiving. What better day, right?! This means, my drop days will not end next saturday but 8 days after it. And then three more days of 500 calories. And then no starches, no sugars for 21 days leading me right to Thanksgiving. I am excited about this plan! And the good thing is, that if I get past next saturday, and it gets too much for some reason, I can always stop then because Ive done the 21 day minimum. After Thanksgiving, its back to just watching what I eat. Trying to cook healthier. Excercising a little each day. A good healthier life you know?

Jeremiah and I were talking about that yesterday. About cooking more, and eating out less. And just watching what we eat. The two of us doing it will be easier than just one of us. Im happy about it! Speaking of Jeremiah, we have now been together 6 months. Where has the time gone? Just yesterday we were making excuses to snuggle on a smokey couch, and now I cant imagine him not being by my side. Life with him is all I need. Weve also recently talked about going back to church and getting back what we'd "lost". I just know that for me, its been something that I know the longer I'm out of church and Gods presence the harder it is to go back. But going back after being burned is so hard! And it wasnt just like a curling iron burn. We're talking, joan of arc. So its hard. But I know its going to be okay. All I can do is put myself back in church and learn and heal in the process. So thats what Im doing. And lucky for me, Jeremiah is there to do it with me. :)

I have a few short things before I close:

1. Jeremiah got a job! I am so so proud of him. It may not be the job he wants, but we all start somewhere. Either way I am super happy for him.

2. I had a horrific experience with my apartment and a fridge, so I complained. And yesterday got a brand spanking new fridge!!! Its beautiful. Seriously. It may not look like anything special to you all, but its gorgeous to me!

3. Peanut has managed to knock his "gold" tooth loose. One day it was protruding, now its back in place but lose. Its a matter of time before it either falls out or the vet wants to take it out. He'll be a hillbilly. It will be ridiculous.

4. MY MAMA HAS A BOYFRIEND! <3 and I like him a whole lot. Its great to see her smile and laugh the way he makes her. Its awesome.

What I'm Realizing

When you remove the foods your body is used to eating and then restrict yourself to only eat certain healthy fresh items you start to realize alot of things. For instance, the sampling of foods that you were partaking without realizing it. I mean, Tasting food as you're cooking it...a chip or in my case now, a Melba toast, here and there. And that's not even thinking about when you lick the peanut butter knife. Or when you grab a candy bar every time you go to walgreens as a snack. Talk about caloric intake without even noticing.

Then today I was on my way to work when I got a call saying to not come in at 9 but to wait tim she called after her 10:30 appointment. The thought immediately went through my brain "you should drive through mcdonalds or go get donuts" because that's what I used to do. Extra time before work? Ok, time for extra calories. I've done it even when I've already eaten at the house. How sick is that?

Also, my boss has been super sick all week ao I've been home all week. Being home all day makes it super hard to keep on the diet. SUPER hard. Because you're just sitting around (or running errands even) and you want to eat naturally. Its the boredom eating. On Wednesday, I wanted to sit down with a bag of doritos in front of the tv so bad. Instead I drank water until I was distracted.

I've also realized that certain places make me want to eat. Like my sisters. And so when you have a place that already makes you want to eat and then everyone is eatin the stew that the delicious aroma filling the house came from...it sucks. I'd just eaten dinner before going there. But I wanted the stew. At class last night, our instructor brought my favorite pizza see...Alfredo...and again I'd just eaten dinner before class but I wanted that pizza. Beiber instance did I eat the temptation but it's so hard no to. Especially when it's the evening and you're used to eating all hours of the day if there's something that tastes good.

I have gotten alot of flack for doing the HCG diet. People worried about risks and saying it's not healthy. There may be other ways to do it, but I need instant results to get myself motivated to change my lifestyle. And it's working. For now, it's working. I'm down 10 pounds in under a week. I'll know measurements soon. But it's being successful so far. And when I do the maintenance part I'll follow those rules too and then eat healthier and exercise and keep going. What I'm liking most, possibly even more than the weight loss, is realizing all these things about my old habits that have led me to the place i'm in today. Needless to say, this is a good time in my life. An eye opening good time.

Ps I apologize for typos. Again this is from my phone which changes words all the time without my wanting it to.