Honesty Unveiled: 6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?

{ This was an email I wrote to my mom today...who has lost a ton of weight eating healthy and exercising. She's a fifty-something woman in great shape who goes to kick ass bootcamp three times a week...she's incredible. And she's my rock. I felt like unveiling the fears etc might be healthy. So I just decided to post my email}

Ok. So tell me the details of bootcamp again.




I have to do something.



I feel like Im lost at sea drowning with no help in sight. I almost had a meltdown over it at work this morning when talking to Jer.



I have the "its hard to even try because I always quit and fail" mindset. Where it feels like its never going to get better. That Im always going to be unhealthy and Im just going to end up even larger. Like being on a roller coaster that you have no control over that never ends. Its terrifying. It scares me so much I feel like there's no sense in trying...because I will just end up failing again.



Clothes arent fitting. Im eating crap (all the time...in excess). Im not active. Im failing. And it honestly feels like Im failing my husband too. He is positive and reassurring to me and all that. He tells me Im beautiful and pretty etc. But no matter what he says, I dont feel it, so its hard to receive. I have only gained, not lost, despite my few attempts at trying. I just dont know what to do anymore,and its too hard.



Jer has said he will get up and start running with me in the morning. Which will be good. If he will. And if I dont have to drag him out of bed. Im not sure Im strong enough for me, little alone for him too. And Im sure he will support whatver I have to do. He's really amazing with me...as he should be. :) I just..ya. Im sure you relate to all the things Ive said from some point in your life.



It just makes me feel like Im a bad wife for not taking care of myself. And of course theres the whole lack of self love thing. I know, that I want to be healthy. Not just for self esteem and for making my husband proud of me...but for my future. I dont want to be one of those pregnant ladies you cant tell are pregnant. I dont want to be the overweight mom who cant get down on the ground with her kids and play. I want to be an active soccer mom. Not the one who sweats on the sidelines. Its not fair to me, them, or Jer.



And yet, here I am...where I've been a billion times. Knowing the problem...unable to actually make the solution a reality.



Why couldnt God have given our family the high metabolism genes?! :)

Discouraged

Today Im totally discouraged. Not neccessarily about the diet. Or weight loss.Or portion control i.e. being hungry. But Im discouraged about food today.

I ate this lunch, that smelled awesome when I cooked it, but tastes horrible. Its extra lean groung beef, a small tomato chopped up, and minced garlic. Ew. Ew. Ew. I couldnt do it. I forced myself to eat it a few days ago and today I couldnt. I ate all the meat out of it, and tried to eat some tomatoes and couldnt.

Then for dinner I went out on a limb and prepared some shrimp. Ive never bought or fixed shrimp in my life. However it looks delicious and Im very excited about it. The issue was I didnt know what vegetable to fix with it. SO last minute I grabbed a baggie and put fresh spinach in it. Im sure that wont be real delicious by any means.

So here's where I am. Ive eaten everything I know I like fixed just about any way I know how to for two meals a day for 19 days. Im out of ideas. And not only am I out of ideas but Im burned out on things. Im burned out on chicken. Im burned out on tomatoes. Im iffy about raw spinach. I really only like (or atleast how i'd know to cook it) beef, chicken, shrimp...onion, tomato, mixed greens/spinach. SO my diet has been very limited. Ive been all over websites finding receipes but my issue is that I need receipes that I can throw together in a total of 30 minutes. Im in real estate school at night after working a full day and the last thing I want to do is cook up some grand meal. Not to mention lots of the meals require a ton of spices that I dont have and probably wont use again (im not much of a cook to begin with).

Im not saying Im quitting. Im just discouraged. I need to know something delicous, particularly in the vegetable department, so that I dont get so discouraged I give up. I have amazing encouragement not just from my friends, boyfriend, and family here but from NYC (yay harrods!). But its getting hard to be bored and unpleased with food.

Any suggestions? Id gladly appreciate them. I can only eat the following:

100 grams of veal, beef, chicken breast, fresh white fish, lobster, crab, or shrimp.
One type of vegetable only to be chosen from the following: spinach, chard, chicory, beet-greens, green salad, tomatoes, celery, fennel, onions, red radishes, cucumbers, asparagus, cabbage.


and I have the one fruit down. I just need help with creativity for the vegetables and meats. Badly. No sauces, oils, spreads, starches, sugars. Pretty much any seasoning though. Got it? Ok. Who wants to come cook for me?

OOO I am excited about being reminded about eggs. I can have 1 whole + 3 whites. I bought that stuff last night. Trouble is, I have to be able to cook it at the time Im going to eat it. Which means Monday - Thursday, and Sunday lunch is not an option for egg. Bummer right.

On the bright side I have lost 21lbs in 21 days. On the other side, Im running out of gusto with food choices and still have 10 more days of this particular phase of the diet. Atleast after that I can eat things like cheese.

Wow. This took me the few minutes of my lunch break left and my whole afternoon break. Oh well. Its worth it.