Sometimes in life things dont go as you planned. In fact most of the time. Life is crazy. Things change. People change. You never know whats next. And dealing with those changes can be a challenge.
Lately Ive been having a hard time due to feeling isolated. Do I have friends? Yes, of course. But it almost feels like ever since Jer and I got serious, people stopped wanting to be our friends. Did we change? I dont think so. Maybe we did, and we dont know. But its a very strange feeling to say, I have friends but no one seems to want to actually be invested. (PS I KNOW there are people who are invested...this is not me discrediting that at all...its simply an emotional crazy day in my soul). Jer and I love each other, and yes we like to spend time alone together. But we'd also like to have some community. I dont know. Its hard to explain.
You know, in life I have always had lots of friends and a few bests. Im still that way. Sometimes the bests changed, in fact they usually do change. I think whats hard is watching yourself be replaced with a new best in someone elses life. Its not always meant to be that way, but as I said before...Life happens and things change. We must learn to evolve as relationships evolve around us. But what if we're unable to? What if everyone else moves on, and you dont ever seem to be able to move on to the next? Maybe you're just too socially awkward to reach out. Maybe you're actually someone people dont want to be involved with.
Not having many coupled friends is what this is all getting at I guess. We need more couple friends. Not that we dont love our current friends, and our current couple friends....I just feel like someone who's carrying all their eggs in one basket and one by one they're falling out...if that makes sense? I know you have to give to get. You cant expect everyone else to do things you wont do yourself. Its just hard. Hard to watch yourself be replaced by others in life...sometimes you see the process...and other times you wake up and see something on facebok and realize "wow...that used to be me". Life is crazy.
This post is dumb. Im sorry. Im just sad today. Blame it on PMS. Im going to.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Thursday, March 24, 2011
5 months, 17 days, 2 hours, 11 minutes and counting
SO, My blogging habits suck. But I dont care. Honestly, life is just too busy and too amazing to stop and write sometimes. Wedding planning is full swing. We've bought the dress, the suit, the accessories, the cake topper, the flowers, half the centerpieces, half of the honeymoon, the toasting glasses, card box, and im sure more. We're ahead of schedule, and doing INCREDIBLY well on a budget. I have found that guest lists have been some of the hardest things so far. Seriously. Having to pick and choose and worry about people feelings knowing that you ultimately only have so much room and so many invitations....its hard. I hate feeling like "they're going to be offended if I dont invite them". But at the same time, we do all we can do about it. I think we're basically finalized...finally. Its a good feeling.
Thanks to our friend David Stevens, bless him, we were able to get our custom designed invitations printed for free!!! How amazing is that!?!? We were stoked about the discounted price but upon picking them up they told us to thank Dave. I couldnt thank him enough. I feel so blessed to have these invitations taken care of. Thank you Lord for hearts like Dave.
Our Bridesmaid dresses were $98 dresses that they got for $26. Seriously? Yes. We are kicking ass at saving money all around. Our venue is free (thank you Pastor Randy). Our marriage certificate is $5 instead of $55. Everything is just coming together. We're going to have a beautiful wedding and its not going to cause anyone to be broke for months afterward. Its a beautiful thing.
We booked our honeymoon this week. First night at The Skirvin Hotel. And then we're going to Santa Fe for a week and staying here. We cannot wait! And whats adorable is that Jer was given some bonds by his grandparents a long time ago. Well they've built lots of interest by now and we were able to cash one and pay for the honeymoon. I think its precious that their gift given to a child has now paid for a grown mans honeymoon.
Work is good. Its picking up and getting a bit busy. But busy is good. Busy means more money. More money means less (wedding) stress. Or bill stress considering I just switched to Sprint (no more AT&T) and havent gotten my big first bill yet. Im sure it will be large and that will be on top of the big bill I have for cancelling with AT&T. If it werent for these bills, I could be buying the RE9 set at Arbonne that I want so that my skin will be flawless for the wedding. But no.
Im starting HCG on April 2nd with my dear friend Lacy for a wedding round. We're both going to be shedding for the wedding. :) Im pretty motivated right now. Ive been working on a schedule. Nothing super intensive but enough to sweat. This morning I even work up early enough to go walk peanut in the neighbborhood. It was nice. I like the feeling of getting healthy and losing weight. Its a very positive thing. Im super excited that I will have a closer in body (Cyndi and Tia are always close in spirit) partner for the HCG this time. We're going to look fierce on my wedding day thats for sure! ahahah
MY MOM IS GETTING MARRIED!!!! Yes amazing right? We are so so excited for her and Preston. Theyre the most precious thing. So mid May she will be a married woman again. God is so great for bringing the two of them together.
Life is good. God is better. And Im just counting down the days until I am a wife. I imagine its the second greatest thing to being a mom....and I cant wait.
Our Wedding Website
Thanks to our friend David Stevens, bless him, we were able to get our custom designed invitations printed for free!!! How amazing is that!?!? We were stoked about the discounted price but upon picking them up they told us to thank Dave. I couldnt thank him enough. I feel so blessed to have these invitations taken care of. Thank you Lord for hearts like Dave.
Our Bridesmaid dresses were $98 dresses that they got for $26. Seriously? Yes. We are kicking ass at saving money all around. Our venue is free (thank you Pastor Randy). Our marriage certificate is $5 instead of $55. Everything is just coming together. We're going to have a beautiful wedding and its not going to cause anyone to be broke for months afterward. Its a beautiful thing.
We booked our honeymoon this week. First night at The Skirvin Hotel. And then we're going to Santa Fe for a week and staying here. We cannot wait! And whats adorable is that Jer was given some bonds by his grandparents a long time ago. Well they've built lots of interest by now and we were able to cash one and pay for the honeymoon. I think its precious that their gift given to a child has now paid for a grown mans honeymoon.
Work is good. Its picking up and getting a bit busy. But busy is good. Busy means more money. More money means less (wedding) stress. Or bill stress considering I just switched to Sprint (no more AT&T) and havent gotten my big first bill yet. Im sure it will be large and that will be on top of the big bill I have for cancelling with AT&T. If it werent for these bills, I could be buying the RE9 set at Arbonne that I want so that my skin will be flawless for the wedding. But no.
Im starting HCG on April 2nd with my dear friend Lacy for a wedding round. We're both going to be shedding for the wedding. :) Im pretty motivated right now. Ive been working on a schedule. Nothing super intensive but enough to sweat. This morning I even work up early enough to go walk peanut in the neighbborhood. It was nice. I like the feeling of getting healthy and losing weight. Its a very positive thing. Im super excited that I will have a closer in body (Cyndi and Tia are always close in spirit) partner for the HCG this time. We're going to look fierce on my wedding day thats for sure! ahahah
MY MOM IS GETTING MARRIED!!!! Yes amazing right? We are so so excited for her and Preston. Theyre the most precious thing. So mid May she will be a married woman again. God is so great for bringing the two of them together.
Life is good. God is better. And Im just counting down the days until I am a wife. I imagine its the second greatest thing to being a mom....and I cant wait.
Our Wedding Website
Monday, January 24, 2011
The Next Chapter
So something very exciting has happened last week.
I GOT ENGAGED!!!
To be honest, it was a complete suprise. I thought I was going to have to wait until Valentines, but I didnt! I couldnt be happier about it. I figured it was about time I blogged about it. Things seem to have picked up with life in general in the last 5 days, even without wedding/engagement stuff and this is the first chance I've had. I know people are wanting to know how he proposed. So here it is:
We had already made plans to go see my favorite musical, The Color Purple. He had never seen a big show like that before, and its one of my all time favorites so I was already pumped up about this day. I will say the thought had definately crossed my mind about him proposing then, but it was more of a wish. A wish so wanted that I even had tried to get my sister to suggest it to him (she told me to stop it and leave him alone haha). However, by the time the day came, Id written off the idea that it would happen. We were just going out on a nice date. We were both all dressed up. I had on a dress I'd never worn. He was all cute in his new purple dress shirt. We were cute as a button. We ate at Zios before the show, which was delicious and complete with peach belinis. Everything was normal. No hints. No awkward moments. Just a regular night out with my man.
So when we were leaving he wanted to smoke prior to getting to the theatre. At the time I thought it a bit weird but didnt matter as long as I could wait in the warm car. A skirt on a cold night was feeling like a bad idea at this point. We were walking toward the theatre, and I assumed we'd go in the closest doors. Because of where we parked that would mean the side doors. However, Jer asked what the front of the building looked like. I said more stairs and some statue. He insisted we go to the front because he'd never been there. I was a bit annoyed simply because of how cold it was, but was going to go along because it wasnt anything worth making any deal of. Well thank goodness I went along with it.
We got to the statue and he wanted to know who it was. So we stood there, reading the statue, and I said "ok can we go in now?" and his response was "almost". He then turned to me, got down on one knee and said "I love you so much Mallory and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Will you marry me?" I of course said yes immediately. The ring was beautiful (one of the ones Id pointed out to really like a week prior). He kissed me, put the ring on, and said "Now we can go in". I was all smiles all evening (and even still). I kept looking at my ring reflect in the safety lights on the stairs during the show haha. It was a perfect evening.
So now, we're getting married this fall! Its pretty crazy how fast it feels like its coming and yet it also feels like it will never get here. We're checking things off one by one, doing what we can when we can. This is a day Ive waited for since I was a little girl, and now its finally on its way! I know theres going to be a lot of things to do. A lot of details to track. And we're on a budget, a pretty small one though undetermined, so we'll be doing as much of it as we can by ourselves. Ive been craigslisting, bargain hunting, and asking the people we know. So far I feel like its going pretty well. Its just a matter of money really. Im so frugal about it all that I eat weird cheap home lunches, pick up any and all change I see laying on the ground/in flower beds, and we're going to start collecting cans for cash. So, if you have any change or cans you want to donate, all donations gladly accepted! hahaha no really...
So thats my engagement story, and whats going on with life right now (for the most part). One day I'll get a chance to update other things but for now, starting the next chapter of my life is the thing that is more important and time consuming. I love it. And I love Jeremiah.
I GOT ENGAGED!!!
To be honest, it was a complete suprise. I thought I was going to have to wait until Valentines, but I didnt! I couldnt be happier about it. I figured it was about time I blogged about it. Things seem to have picked up with life in general in the last 5 days, even without wedding/engagement stuff and this is the first chance I've had. I know people are wanting to know how he proposed. So here it is:
We had already made plans to go see my favorite musical, The Color Purple. He had never seen a big show like that before, and its one of my all time favorites so I was already pumped up about this day. I will say the thought had definately crossed my mind about him proposing then, but it was more of a wish. A wish so wanted that I even had tried to get my sister to suggest it to him (she told me to stop it and leave him alone haha). However, by the time the day came, Id written off the idea that it would happen. We were just going out on a nice date. We were both all dressed up. I had on a dress I'd never worn. He was all cute in his new purple dress shirt. We were cute as a button. We ate at Zios before the show, which was delicious and complete with peach belinis. Everything was normal. No hints. No awkward moments. Just a regular night out with my man.
So when we were leaving he wanted to smoke prior to getting to the theatre. At the time I thought it a bit weird but didnt matter as long as I could wait in the warm car. A skirt on a cold night was feeling like a bad idea at this point. We were walking toward the theatre, and I assumed we'd go in the closest doors. Because of where we parked that would mean the side doors. However, Jer asked what the front of the building looked like. I said more stairs and some statue. He insisted we go to the front because he'd never been there. I was a bit annoyed simply because of how cold it was, but was going to go along because it wasnt anything worth making any deal of. Well thank goodness I went along with it.
We got to the statue and he wanted to know who it was. So we stood there, reading the statue, and I said "ok can we go in now?" and his response was "almost". He then turned to me, got down on one knee and said "I love you so much Mallory and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Will you marry me?" I of course said yes immediately. The ring was beautiful (one of the ones Id pointed out to really like a week prior). He kissed me, put the ring on, and said "Now we can go in". I was all smiles all evening (and even still). I kept looking at my ring reflect in the safety lights on the stairs during the show haha. It was a perfect evening.
So now, we're getting married this fall! Its pretty crazy how fast it feels like its coming and yet it also feels like it will never get here. We're checking things off one by one, doing what we can when we can. This is a day Ive waited for since I was a little girl, and now its finally on its way! I know theres going to be a lot of things to do. A lot of details to track. And we're on a budget, a pretty small one though undetermined, so we'll be doing as much of it as we can by ourselves. Ive been craigslisting, bargain hunting, and asking the people we know. So far I feel like its going pretty well. Its just a matter of money really. Im so frugal about it all that I eat weird cheap home lunches, pick up any and all change I see laying on the ground/in flower beds, and we're going to start collecting cans for cash. So, if you have any change or cans you want to donate, all donations gladly accepted! hahaha no really...
So thats my engagement story, and whats going on with life right now (for the most part). One day I'll get a chance to update other things but for now, starting the next chapter of my life is the thing that is more important and time consuming. I love it. And I love Jeremiah.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Looking forward to the future
No better time for a blog than lunch break!
My holidays were amazing. I couldnt have asked for anything better. I not only got to spend them with the man I love, Jeremiah Parris, but I got to spend them with my family and his! It was truly one of the most special christmases to me. Christmas has always been a big deal to me. It makes me happier than any time of year. I put up my Christmas decorations two weeks before Thanksgiving and still havent taken them down. I LOVE IT! I think theres such thing as Christmas Magic. People start being kinder to one another, little miracles start happening...its a beautiful thing!
Jer's family from his mom's side came to visit right after Christmas. I'd met all of his dad's family, and this was my first time to meet Debbie's siblings. They were wonderful!! Unfortunately one aunt and cousin were unable to attend, but I had a great time with those who did visit. I think I've truly found a man with the most wonderful family ever. They are all so sweet and welcoming. I consider myself lucky.
Jana and Ryan took Jer and I out for a double date extravaganza. This meant we went ice skating and to see the movie Black Swan. Ice skating was fun, though my ankles werent really letting me enjoy it. I swear I could only get around the rink once before my feet cramped and my laces loosened. And Black Swan, well, weird. It was not what I expected. It was amazing and beautiful and dark and twisted and wow. I had no idea it would be so graphic! It was awesome though..in a "I have no idea exactly whats going on" kind of way. All in all our date extravaganza was a win. I love Ryan and Jana so much. They're two of my favorite people.
Preston , my mama's man, came to visit. And I must say....Im really hoping this is the man my mom is going to marry!!!
Ive started going back to the costume shop now that the elevator is fixed. Its a zoo. An out of control zoo. Ive slowly gained a little control but there's still SO much to do. So for the next months or so I will be spending a few hours a week there to get it under control. Madness I tell you. There are going to be some rules set for that place if Im going to continue to work in it. I refuse to pick up after someone who doesnt have the respect for others enough to throw their halls wrappers away, or not throw bobby pins on the floor. I dont need the money that bad to have to put up with that crap. So ya, this year I'll be back around a bit more. I will be stage managing the big show this summer under Cyndi....plan on helping out with ushering/concessions/sets etc a bit more. Ive missed the theatre...and from what I hear it misses me. The good news is, Jer is interested in helping with the set construction etc! So how awesome to be able to get to share something I love with someone I love and vice versa!! So exciting.
Last fall I did HCG and lost 30 pounds. This new year I've been teeter tottering around with the idea of a round 2. The only thing keeping me from it is the idea of eating more tomatoes makes me want to vomit...and being that was one of the only vegetables I liked that I could eat...its hard to go back. BUT I think, I think, Ive decided to do it. It will either be when the groceries I just bought are run down or the first of february. Why not do another round and lose another 30 on the easiest diet I've ever done in my life? Sure. I'll give it it a shot...i think. ;)
I still love my job at Coldwell Banker, though right now my boss has been severely sick so my work load has been weird. Ive been trying to keep things afloat while finding enough to do while I'm at work. Needless to say its a bit difficult. AND I miss her! She's such a life force to have around, its sad when she's not been her in....2 weeks? Ya that sounds right. I want her healthy and healed asap.
Speaking of jobs!!!! Jeremiah started a new job working for Stillwater National Bank. This week he said goodbye retail and hello office job! Its a super awesome thing for him. Its what he's wanted to do since I've known him. Not neccessarily the exact position he works, but he's always hated retail and wanted to work in an office setting. So after a month or so of applying for any job available, he got hired! This is his third day of training and I think its going to be a good thing...for him and for us (though its making him super duper tired right now...his body isnt used to really functioning that early anymore). I couldnt be more proud of him.
2011 is going to be one hell of a year. Im excited about all its going to bring. Lots of changes, lots of events. Its super exciting. Its the year of penny pinching, weigh watching, planning, organizing, loving, and so much more. 2011 will be my year. I couldnt be happier about it.
On a final note...apartmement dwellers. PLEASE be considerate of your neighbors. And I dont just mean dont turn your tvs up so loud I can feel your subtitles (yes, i know)....I mean with your love lives. If Im sound asleep and I get woken up because your head board is banging the wall and your girlfriend is screaming and talking so loudly I can understand what she's saying.....THATS A PROBLEM! And if it happens TWICE in one night....I should come down there and knock on your door just to interrupt you. That is NOT okay!! Yes each person pays rent and has the right to do what they want in their own homes...but when it affects me and my sleep, you're being disrespectful. I dont do my jumping jacks and stride jumps early in the mornings because I respect your sleep. But dammit, if you dont start respecting me and the noise levels (which they talk about in your lease about respecting others with after 10pm...) then expect me to start running marathons and doing jumping jacks that sound like elephants at 6am. Im over you and your ridiculous sex noises....honestly, its not natural....and I think she's faking. The end.
My holidays were amazing. I couldnt have asked for anything better. I not only got to spend them with the man I love, Jeremiah Parris, but I got to spend them with my family and his! It was truly one of the most special christmases to me. Christmas has always been a big deal to me. It makes me happier than any time of year. I put up my Christmas decorations two weeks before Thanksgiving and still havent taken them down. I LOVE IT! I think theres such thing as Christmas Magic. People start being kinder to one another, little miracles start happening...its a beautiful thing!
Jer's family from his mom's side came to visit right after Christmas. I'd met all of his dad's family, and this was my first time to meet Debbie's siblings. They were wonderful!! Unfortunately one aunt and cousin were unable to attend, but I had a great time with those who did visit. I think I've truly found a man with the most wonderful family ever. They are all so sweet and welcoming. I consider myself lucky.
Jana and Ryan took Jer and I out for a double date extravaganza. This meant we went ice skating and to see the movie Black Swan. Ice skating was fun, though my ankles werent really letting me enjoy it. I swear I could only get around the rink once before my feet cramped and my laces loosened. And Black Swan, well, weird. It was not what I expected. It was amazing and beautiful and dark and twisted and wow. I had no idea it would be so graphic! It was awesome though..in a "I have no idea exactly whats going on" kind of way. All in all our date extravaganza was a win. I love Ryan and Jana so much. They're two of my favorite people.
Preston , my mama's man, came to visit. And I must say....Im really hoping this is the man my mom is going to marry!!!
Ive started going back to the costume shop now that the elevator is fixed. Its a zoo. An out of control zoo. Ive slowly gained a little control but there's still SO much to do. So for the next months or so I will be spending a few hours a week there to get it under control. Madness I tell you. There are going to be some rules set for that place if Im going to continue to work in it. I refuse to pick up after someone who doesnt have the respect for others enough to throw their halls wrappers away, or not throw bobby pins on the floor. I dont need the money that bad to have to put up with that crap. So ya, this year I'll be back around a bit more. I will be stage managing the big show this summer under Cyndi....plan on helping out with ushering/concessions/sets etc a bit more. Ive missed the theatre...and from what I hear it misses me. The good news is, Jer is interested in helping with the set construction etc! So how awesome to be able to get to share something I love with someone I love and vice versa!! So exciting.
Last fall I did HCG and lost 30 pounds. This new year I've been teeter tottering around with the idea of a round 2. The only thing keeping me from it is the idea of eating more tomatoes makes me want to vomit...and being that was one of the only vegetables I liked that I could eat...its hard to go back. BUT I think, I think, Ive decided to do it. It will either be when the groceries I just bought are run down or the first of february. Why not do another round and lose another 30 on the easiest diet I've ever done in my life? Sure. I'll give it it a shot...i think. ;)
I still love my job at Coldwell Banker, though right now my boss has been severely sick so my work load has been weird. Ive been trying to keep things afloat while finding enough to do while I'm at work. Needless to say its a bit difficult. AND I miss her! She's such a life force to have around, its sad when she's not been her in....2 weeks? Ya that sounds right. I want her healthy and healed asap.
Speaking of jobs!!!! Jeremiah started a new job working for Stillwater National Bank. This week he said goodbye retail and hello office job! Its a super awesome thing for him. Its what he's wanted to do since I've known him. Not neccessarily the exact position he works, but he's always hated retail and wanted to work in an office setting. So after a month or so of applying for any job available, he got hired! This is his third day of training and I think its going to be a good thing...for him and for us (though its making him super duper tired right now...his body isnt used to really functioning that early anymore). I couldnt be more proud of him.
2011 is going to be one hell of a year. Im excited about all its going to bring. Lots of changes, lots of events. Its super exciting. Its the year of penny pinching, weigh watching, planning, organizing, loving, and so much more. 2011 will be my year. I couldnt be happier about it.
On a final note...apartmement dwellers. PLEASE be considerate of your neighbors. And I dont just mean dont turn your tvs up so loud I can feel your subtitles (yes, i know)....I mean with your love lives. If Im sound asleep and I get woken up because your head board is banging the wall and your girlfriend is screaming and talking so loudly I can understand what she's saying.....THATS A PROBLEM! And if it happens TWICE in one night....I should come down there and knock on your door just to interrupt you. That is NOT okay!! Yes each person pays rent and has the right to do what they want in their own homes...but when it affects me and my sleep, you're being disrespectful. I dont do my jumping jacks and stride jumps early in the mornings because I respect your sleep. But dammit, if you dont start respecting me and the noise levels (which they talk about in your lease about respecting others with after 10pm...) then expect me to start running marathons and doing jumping jacks that sound like elephants at 6am. Im over you and your ridiculous sex noises....honestly, its not natural....and I think she's faking. The end.
Friday, December 10, 2010
MY Grown Up Christmas List
Ive realized that Ive become an adult, officially. This realization has occurred due to the things I want for Christmas:
1. My car cleaned/detailed interior/exterior
2. A vet visit for Peanut for his annual shots plus flea/worm meds
3. A basket of kitchen essentials (things as simple as Ziploc bags, napkins, saran wrap, Dawn dish soap, etc)
4. An oil change + tire rotation
5. My Car's air system fixed (it doesn't seem to blow on your feet...and some how water gets trapped under floorboards)
6. A Vacuum
And yes, all of them are serious. Too bad Christmas is usually a time that you receive things you "want" and not need. What if you really want the things you need...more than things you dont really need. Sure i'd love Gossip Girl Season 3, but Id be much more appreciative of warm feet in my car when it snows or not having a rug covered in dog fur every day. Just sayin.
One day. (my new catch phrase)
________________________________
On a happy note, this holiday season is by far the most enjoyable as this is the first time Ive spent it with Jeremiah Parris. Its more magical than ever. I love him more each day. 8 months today, and going strong. I look forward to what exciting things life has in store for us. Good and Bad, we'll stick it through together.
Happy 8 months love!
1. My car cleaned/detailed interior/exterior
2. A vet visit for Peanut for his annual shots plus flea/worm meds
3. A basket of kitchen essentials (things as simple as Ziploc bags, napkins, saran wrap, Dawn dish soap, etc)
4. An oil change + tire rotation
5. My Car's air system fixed (it doesn't seem to blow on your feet...and some how water gets trapped under floorboards)
6. A Vacuum
And yes, all of them are serious. Too bad Christmas is usually a time that you receive things you "want" and not need. What if you really want the things you need...more than things you dont really need. Sure i'd love Gossip Girl Season 3, but Id be much more appreciative of warm feet in my car when it snows or not having a rug covered in dog fur every day. Just sayin.
One day. (my new catch phrase)
________________________________
On a happy note, this holiday season is by far the most enjoyable as this is the first time Ive spent it with Jeremiah Parris. Its more magical than ever. I love him more each day. 8 months today, and going strong. I look forward to what exciting things life has in store for us. Good and Bad, we'll stick it through together.
Happy 8 months love!
Thursday, November 11, 2010
This Just About Sums It Up
He says it's none of my damn business, how much he drinks.
And he doesn't have a problem, no mater what the whole town thinks.
At his baby's birthday party, there was whiskey on his breath,
Everybody wants to save him, but he's not ready yet.
You wanna scream, you wanna cry.
You want someone to tell you why,
All the hope that's in your heart is not enough.
You hit your knees, you shake your fists,
Oh, it's the deepest wound there is,
When you can't help the one you love.
Her sister reads the bible, her father sits an' snores.
They're with her every minute, 'cause they may not have many more.
She was dancin' in New Orleans, only seven weeks ago.
Life may go on without her, but not the life we know.
You wanna scream, you wanna cry.
You want someone to tell you why,
All the hope that's in your heart is not enough.
You hit your knees, you shake your fists,
Oh, it's the deepest wound there is,
When you can't help the one you love.
When someone's slippin' away,
Right before your eyes.
How useless we are,
Is a painful surprise.
You wanna scream, you wanna cry.
You want someone to tell you why,
All the hope that's in your heart is not enough.
You hit your knees, you shake your fists,
Oh, it's the deepest wound there is,
When you can't help the one you love.
When you can't help the one you love.
- Terri Clark
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Balancing Two Loves
I am finding myself completely baffled by people that have it together. And by "it" I mean their lives. And by "their lives" I mean that they don't seem to have any trouble balancing everything they want, need, and hope to do. Maybe its all a mask and they really don't have it together. Maybe that's part of the balancing act is just making it appear that you're balancing everything. Being a magician. Maybe? It sure would make me feel alot better if that were the case.
Ive been in this situation before. But its never really carried as much weight as it does now. I'm working a 9-5:30 job, going to school 4 nights a week, have a dog that needs attention, and a man that I love and want to spend time with. Not to mention a family, friends, and the costume shop. Theres just not enough time in the days to do it all. The sad part about all of that, is a huge part of my life used to be theatre. I lived and breathed it. And now, I find it hard to even make it to other people's shows due to my own life continuing as normal. But the catch is, I'm not living my life with regrets. Im not sitting around hating life. I love my life. I love the people in it. I just am starting to miss my first love....the theatre.
How do people balance that? More specifically, how do couples balance their relationships when they're also involved in theatre? I know just from school demanding so much time that it can put a strain on a relationship to spend that much time apart. But there must be some magical equation that makes it work? No? Then surely theres some keys. Im at a point where I dont want to do theatre just to do it. That its okay to say no when Id only be doing something out of obligation. That in itself was huge. But what happens when I want to do something...but I also would like to spend time with the man I love? I dont know. Ive never been in love. And theatre is a big part of who I am. So how do I make them jive together?
I just feel so torn. I want to do both. I want to spend time with him, and still be involved in shows. But when Im involved in shows, my time with him is minimal...and that is a sad sad thing for me (and him). However, if I dont do shows, I eventually start getting the itch of missing them. I cant imagine my life without Jeremiah. But I cant imagine my life without theatre either. I dont want to choose between the two. I wont. They will coexist in my life. They have to. I just have to figure out how. How to balance it with all the other hats I wear.
Theres an opportunity that has come up to stage manage for a director that I love dearly and have worked with often. The catch is, rehearsals start 2 weeks after my school ends. Then there are two weeks off for holidays and we pick back up for rehearsals in January and rehearse til we open totaling about 6 weeks. By the time school is out, Ive just had 8 weeks of hardly seeing Jeremiah. They've been hard so far, and I can imagine they'll be harder as it continues. So to ask a patient loving man to spend another 6 weeks away from me? I feel like its cruel on some level. He's wonderful and tells me to do what I want to do. He will support me in whatever I decide. He wants me to be happy and wants me to not give up things I love. But I love them both. So, its just simply I dont know how to decide. There are consequences to each decision. Cant I just do both? haha
I know that next summer I will be busy starting in June running through the end of July with Carousel (which Ive been planning on since this last summer). And then I'm going to audition for Annie which will run next fall (its been over a year since I've been in a show already, by then it will have almost been 2 so Im really hoping that will work out). So if I take this Dec/Jan/Feb job, it will be three shows in one year. Ive done more before and loved it. But I had no one else to think about. My time was not better spent any other way. Now it is.... not that its better but its a whole different kind of deal. I wont do theatre all my life. Eventually I'll be too old or have too many kids or things of my own to do. I do plan on being with him all my life. But those facts dont make my decision any easier on whether to commit to another show.
I know its possible. I know it can happen. I just need to figure out how.
Or clone myself.
Ive been in this situation before. But its never really carried as much weight as it does now. I'm working a 9-5:30 job, going to school 4 nights a week, have a dog that needs attention, and a man that I love and want to spend time with. Not to mention a family, friends, and the costume shop. Theres just not enough time in the days to do it all. The sad part about all of that, is a huge part of my life used to be theatre. I lived and breathed it. And now, I find it hard to even make it to other people's shows due to my own life continuing as normal. But the catch is, I'm not living my life with regrets. Im not sitting around hating life. I love my life. I love the people in it. I just am starting to miss my first love....the theatre.
How do people balance that? More specifically, how do couples balance their relationships when they're also involved in theatre? I know just from school demanding so much time that it can put a strain on a relationship to spend that much time apart. But there must be some magical equation that makes it work? No? Then surely theres some keys. Im at a point where I dont want to do theatre just to do it. That its okay to say no when Id only be doing something out of obligation. That in itself was huge. But what happens when I want to do something...but I also would like to spend time with the man I love? I dont know. Ive never been in love. And theatre is a big part of who I am. So how do I make them jive together?
I just feel so torn. I want to do both. I want to spend time with him, and still be involved in shows. But when Im involved in shows, my time with him is minimal...and that is a sad sad thing for me (and him). However, if I dont do shows, I eventually start getting the itch of missing them. I cant imagine my life without Jeremiah. But I cant imagine my life without theatre either. I dont want to choose between the two. I wont. They will coexist in my life. They have to. I just have to figure out how. How to balance it with all the other hats I wear.
Theres an opportunity that has come up to stage manage for a director that I love dearly and have worked with often. The catch is, rehearsals start 2 weeks after my school ends. Then there are two weeks off for holidays and we pick back up for rehearsals in January and rehearse til we open totaling about 6 weeks. By the time school is out, Ive just had 8 weeks of hardly seeing Jeremiah. They've been hard so far, and I can imagine they'll be harder as it continues. So to ask a patient loving man to spend another 6 weeks away from me? I feel like its cruel on some level. He's wonderful and tells me to do what I want to do. He will support me in whatever I decide. He wants me to be happy and wants me to not give up things I love. But I love them both. So, its just simply I dont know how to decide. There are consequences to each decision. Cant I just do both? haha
I know that next summer I will be busy starting in June running through the end of July with Carousel (which Ive been planning on since this last summer). And then I'm going to audition for Annie which will run next fall (its been over a year since I've been in a show already, by then it will have almost been 2 so Im really hoping that will work out). So if I take this Dec/Jan/Feb job, it will be three shows in one year. Ive done more before and loved it. But I had no one else to think about. My time was not better spent any other way. Now it is.... not that its better but its a whole different kind of deal. I wont do theatre all my life. Eventually I'll be too old or have too many kids or things of my own to do. I do plan on being with him all my life. But those facts dont make my decision any easier on whether to commit to another show.
I know its possible. I know it can happen. I just need to figure out how.
Or clone myself.
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