Passion

8. What are 5 passions you have?

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1. Musicals - At first I had put theatre. But then I realized that I am NOT passionate about plays. :) I enjoy them, I wouldnt MIND working on them...but they are NOT a passion. I NEED musicals in my life. I need to watch them. I need to be in them. I need to work on them. Ya.

2. Family - My family is the most important thing to me. I am so blessed to have such a great family.

3. My relationship with my husband - I love him so much and I love our constantly growing relationship. Today is 10 months married and I cant wait until its been 10 years and more. He was made for me.

4. My Dog - Dont mess with Peanut...or angry mama will come out. Ive ripped German Shepherds off of him before without thinking. He is my baby and I will not stand for harm coming to him. Not to mention his cuddles are the greatest ever. "Times like this a girl needs a dog"

5. Serving - I truly truly love helping others. And when I can do it without anyone knowing about it...I enjoy it more. There's something so amazing about knowing you're making someone else's day better. If I didnt HAVE to work...I would strictly be a volunteer.

#7. Dream Job

7. What is your dream job, and why?

When you think about dream jobs as a kid, you think about being a nurse, or a vet (all girls want to be a vet as a kid). I had all those "dreams" and then some! I'm pretty sure at one point I wanted to be a fire fighter. I blame Rescue 911 for that one. But as I got older, I realized that I had no desire for any profession.

When all the other kids were talking about what college they were going to and for what degree...I felt strange. I felt like I should want to be like them. But I didn't. I didn't want to go to college because I didn't want one of those degrees. I didn't want a regular ol job. And I certainly wasn't going to go pay for a degree that I would never use just to say that I went! (Not to mention the idea of sitting in a class full of strangers listening to lectures terrified me)

The truth is, I have always wanted to be a homemaker. A wife. A mom. A cook. A taxi. A medic. All those things that make up a good homemaker. That is what I want to do. And yes, "DO". People that think homemakers are just women who want to be lazy and refuse to work are crazy. There are plenty of women out there that do that...nothing. They sit on their butts and complain and let their house and children get out of control. I want to slap those kinds of women for giving those of us who actually want to create and provide a substantial home life for our families a bad name.

I want to be the woman who wakes up and fixes lunches and sees her family out the door before she takes the dog for their morning walk and run all the days errands. I want to be the woman who has the home clean and a real dinner prepared by the time her husband comes home. I want to be the woman who takes her kids to soccer and ballet (anything but football and hockey really) and brings snacks for all the other kids. I want to be the woman who not only keeps herself healthy but her family as well. I want to be the woman who has craft night, blanket fort night, and backyard camping nights with the kids while still being able to have date nights with my husband.

I want to do all of those things. And yes, that's a lot. But that's why its a "job". Its not a job in the sense that its something that I HAVE to do. Its a job in the sense that its work. Its something that will require diligence and patience and organization and time management and financial accounting. Its something that that I will have to work at but its something I want more than absolutely anything in the world. And maybe I cant do all those things (at least not at first) but I will do my damnedest trying.

{Plus, as a bonus, once my kiddos are a little older, I will have time to do theatre as a mom. To be able to be more involved while their away or in school etc. Right now, I have to work. So theatre is an addition to working and family. When my family is my work, it will make things easier (eventually ha). At least I think so. I sure do plan on it working out better in some manner that's for sure. }

I know this dream job is a while off from being able to come true. I'm okay with that! I dont mind working. I know its something that I have to do right now at this stage in my life. I know that its not an option and that's fine with me! Would I rather be home creating, cooking, and cleaning? YES!! But I'm lucky to have a husband that understands that I work a 9-5, so the house may not be clean all and the dinner may not be ready all the time. One day I will get to be a mom. One day. But until that day comes, I will work and see it as part of the process. Sometimes people just look at the goal...the end result and completely forget the beauty that can be in the process and progress. I too am guilty of overlooking it. But I try to remind myself all  the time...it will be your time one day. And when it is, you may miss these days....SO enjoy what you have when you have it.

My dream job will be reality one day. But until that day, I'm happy with my current one.

Honesty Unveiled: 6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?

{ This was an email I wrote to my mom today...who has lost a ton of weight eating healthy and exercising. She's a fifty-something woman in great shape who goes to kick ass bootcamp three times a week...she's incredible. And she's my rock. I felt like unveiling the fears etc might be healthy. So I just decided to post my email}

Ok. So tell me the details of bootcamp again.




I have to do something.



I feel like Im lost at sea drowning with no help in sight. I almost had a meltdown over it at work this morning when talking to Jer.



I have the "its hard to even try because I always quit and fail" mindset. Where it feels like its never going to get better. That Im always going to be unhealthy and Im just going to end up even larger. Like being on a roller coaster that you have no control over that never ends. Its terrifying. It scares me so much I feel like there's no sense in trying...because I will just end up failing again.



Clothes arent fitting. Im eating crap (all the time...in excess). Im not active. Im failing. And it honestly feels like Im failing my husband too. He is positive and reassurring to me and all that. He tells me Im beautiful and pretty etc. But no matter what he says, I dont feel it, so its hard to receive. I have only gained, not lost, despite my few attempts at trying. I just dont know what to do anymore,and its too hard.



Jer has said he will get up and start running with me in the morning. Which will be good. If he will. And if I dont have to drag him out of bed. Im not sure Im strong enough for me, little alone for him too. And Im sure he will support whatver I have to do. He's really amazing with me...as he should be. :) I just..ya. Im sure you relate to all the things Ive said from some point in your life.



It just makes me feel like Im a bad wife for not taking care of myself. And of course theres the whole lack of self love thing. I know, that I want to be healthy. Not just for self esteem and for making my husband proud of me...but for my future. I dont want to be one of those pregnant ladies you cant tell are pregnant. I dont want to be the overweight mom who cant get down on the ground with her kids and play. I want to be an active soccer mom. Not the one who sweats on the sidelines. Its not fair to me, them, or Jer.



And yet, here I am...where I've been a billion times. Knowing the problem...unable to actually make the solution a reality.



Why couldnt God have given our family the high metabolism genes?! :)

Happiness

5. What are 5 things that make you most happy right now?

Lets see. This should be fairly simple.

1. My husband and the love we share. Its my favorite thing.

2. The fact that the OKC Thunder are killing it this season, but more importantly that my favorite player is doing so well! (And Joel said he wouldnt last....HA!)

3. Volunteering, volunteering, volunteering. We have been volunteering at Jewel Box and Poteet theatre whenever we can and I love that its a way to be involved but not live there.

4. Peanut. I mean, how can you not look at this little guy's head and smile.

5. Knowing that in 20 weeks, 1 day, 16 hours and 27 minutes Jeremiah and I will be flying to New York for our ONE YEAR anniversary. It doesnt seem real, but the anticipation of it makes me so happy!!!



Dear 16 year old self....

4. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.


This one is actually super hard for me to think back and figure out. I guess I feel like that was an incredibly long time ago (almost 11 years now....weird). So here it goes.
 
1. Your family may be falling apart right now, but I promise things will get better so just hang in there. They may never be the same...but life goes on and they do get better!
 
2. When Tommy asks to hold your hand, dont make fun of him for asking. He's being a gentleman and you're just too caught up in what you think a "real man" should be like you dont even recognize it.
 
3. Dont let Gabe's smooth talking and your need for affection fool you. You dont need him in your life. Just say no. He's not the one. You'll meet the one 8 years later and he's amazing. I know 8 years doesnt sound like fun, but he's worth it.
 
4. Take care of yourself. Dont use food as a crutch because it will haunt you for the rest of your life.
 
5. Its okay that you dont want to go to college. You will have plenty of skills to find work that dont require a degree. And not having a degree does not make you less of an important person.
 
6. I know driving seems scary to you because of the accident last year. But know that not everyone's breaks go out....that was a fluke situation. You can drive, and drive safely. Look that fear in the eye and do it. You'll be glad you did.
 
7. You're going to want an escape from the chaos that is going on in your family life. I know the pain seems unbearable, but dont medicate the feelings. Dont think a pill can make it go away. You'll feel foolish and guilty for thinking so later if you do. Find other outlets of release.
 
8. Get involved in musical theatre now. Though you would eventually find it later in life, why waste 5 years without feelings fulfilled. Its your passion and you just dont realize it. You also will think you cant do it. But you can.
 
9. Help out your mom more. You dont realize how hard it is for her right now. You know its hard, but you have no idea how hard. Hug her more. Help her more. And know that she too will be restored.
 
10. Its okay that your dad is gay. I know that this seems like the most horrible thing that could ever happen. But its okay. Its not something to be ashamed of. Its okay to mourn what you thought your dad was, but embrace who he is. It may not always be easy, but love is love.

Relationships with Parents

( I think its funny that whenever my sister blogs, it reminds me that I need to!)

My relationship with my parents seems to be ever changing. You're always going through a different stage though some things stay the same. My love never waivers thats for sure.

My mom is and will forever be my life's greatest "staple". Shes the one that I can run to for anything. The most calming thing is to lay in her lap and let her stroke your hair. It makes you forget all your worries and cares and just feel love. She is the reason I am who I am. I hope to be like her more every day. She's a strong woman full of real faith and love. Who wouldnt want that? What they say about your evolving relationship with your mom is true. Im not sure when it happens, but it does. Shes not only an amazing mom but she's an amazing friend. I would be absolutely lost without my mama.

My dad is my dad. I feel like our relationship is always changing. Life sometimes gets in the way of us being as close as we may be at other times. But all in all he is still my dad. I still miss him. I still love him with all my heart. It is extremely hard sometimes. But at the end of the day, I know that I want him in my life in some fashion. We dont speak as often as we should and we certainly dont see each other very often. We both have our own lives, and our own paths. Occasionally they cross and those are usually good things. I know that he would do whatever he could to be there for important things. I know his love is limitless with his kids. I am proud that he is finding happiness in his life as I have found mine. But as I said, sometimes life just makes it more difficult than you had thought it would be.

Fears are Weird

#2. Describe 3 legitamate fears and explain how they became fears

WEEEEEELLL

#1. Im am aboslutely terrified that I will fail as a wife and mom. I suppose this comes from watching others fail (not my own, thank you Lord). I will do everything I can to not let this happen. I want to make my kids (whenever they may come around...not for awhile though) and my husband proud and feel supported and nutured at all times. I think that there is so much destruction of families, with people who you'd never expect that it just terrifies me that the world can destroy it all.

#2. I am scared to death of snakes (and chickens and armadillos....but I have no rationality for those two so we're sticking to snakes). I remember being little and making my mom check my sheets at night for snakes. I was CONVINCED there was a pit of them at the foot of my bed in the tucked in sheets. I cant pinpoint the time the fear began, but Im sure I saw something terrifying in school or on tv. I do remember being forced to walk through a bus full of freakshow snakes that were all crazy colors, deformities, etc. Im sure that didnt help. I hate snakes. All kinds, sizes, colors, drawn, real, photos, ALL.

#3. Being trapped in small spaces ESPECIALLY in a car that is going underwater. I used to think it was just the car issue, but when I watched the World Trade Center movie, I learned its small spaces as well. My heart starts to pound and my breath gets real short. I cant watch the action movies when a car dives off the bridge into water....I close my eyes every time. I think I would panic so much if it happened, I wouldnt be able to get out and would quickly use all the air. I know it sounds crazy that this is a fear, since I live in Oklahoma and well, we dont exactly have lots of places to accidentally end up in your car in water haha. BUT its a fear and a big one.

May the Blogging Begin: 20 Facts

I am being a copy cat, haha, and going to steal my sisters list for blogging. Why? Because I love to blog but dont make the time...and it seems like a pretty fun thing to do! So here's the list and I will start with #1. I am not sure how often I will do it. I dont want to commit to weekly, daily, or anything like that. But the subjects excite me so we will see how this goes. And thanks Jana for having better resources and ideas than I do! xoxo

THE LIST:

1. List 20 random facts about yourself
.2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.
3. Describe your relationship with your parents.
4. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.
5. What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?
6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?7. What is your dream job, and why?
8. What are 5 passions you have?
9. List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how.
10. Describe your most embarrassing moment.
11. Describe 10 pet peeves you have.
12. Describe a typical day in your current life.
13. Describe 5 weaknesses you have.
14. Describe 5 strengths you have.
15. If you were an animal, what would you be and why?
16. What are your 5 greatest accomplishments?
17. What is the thing you most wish you were great at?
18. What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?
19. If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why?
20. Describe 3 significant memories from your childhood.
21. If you could have one superpower, what would it be and what would you do with it first?

22. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?
23. List your top 5 hobbies and why you love them.
24. Describe your family dynamic of your childhood vs. your family dynamic now.
25. If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?
26. What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong?
27. What is your favorite part of your body and why?
28. What is your love language?
29. What do you think people misunderstand most about you?
30. List 10 things you would hope to be remembered for.

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20 Random Facts

1. I am completely freaked out by things that "look like brains"...however I am not at all grossed out by ACTUAL brains. For instance: crop rows or the scales on the flying dog from Never Ending Story.


2. Fritos are my favorite chip. ESPECIALLY when served with French Onion dip. I could eat a whole bag in one day.


3. My mom is my hero. She's the strongest, most incredible woman I know and I hope to be just as strong and centered as she is.


4. One of my favorite memories is M&M brunches. I think that we should re institute them as MJ Square brunches. They're the most fun you can have before noon.


5. I avoid confrontation at all costs yet I love to debate. So much that it has gotten me in trouble a few times. There are a lot of things that I can overlook and let slide but if I feel my rights or someone else's are being crossed...I have to speak up.


6. I cannot wait for the day I am a soccer mom and homemaker ( complete with minivan). Its my hearts desire and always has been. And not for lack of desire to work, but because I desire to be the kind of mom who does it all and has it all together for her family. My heart is to serve my family.


7. There are days I feel like I will never overcome my battles with weight. And some of those days I am somewhat okay with that. And others it completely devours my thoughts and emotions making me think that Im a horrible person. I wish I could get past it but its absolutely the hardest thing Ive ever known.


8. I dont do well around or with older people. They make me uncomfortable and I dont know how to handle it. Its like I forget how to have conversation or behave. And that worries me....since we all get old.


9. I have irrational fears of chickens, armadillos, and cars submerged in water.


10. I knew I wanted to marry my husband 2 months into dating him. It took me 3 months to tell him I loved him...in an around the bush kind of way. haha He caught up to me 3 months later and it was the greatest moment of our dating life.


11. Laser Tag is possibly my favorite active activity. I get very competitive and extremely upset by the bratty children who dont follow the rules. (See, even now Im irritated writing about them haha)


12. In a perfect world, where money didnt matter, I would do some form of theatre involvement full time. I think it would the perfect thing. But in a world where I have to help pay bills which also means I have to work 8 hours...its just not feasible. However, if it were, I would quit my job tomorrow. Theatre is in my soul and there's no denying it.


13. I want another dog. But Im scared that Peanut will not adjust and it will just be complete chaos. Im also always worried that one dog will "snap" and hurt the other one. Ive seen it happen before and Peanut's even been a victim, but I hope one day I get over that.


14. When I think of dream homes, I dont think modern or grandeur. I think of a nice, warm tone, cookie cutter home in a good school system with a nice backyard. Thats the kind of place I want to live. Thats the kind of place I want to raise a family.


15. My deepest fear is that I will fail as a mother and wife. Nothing scares me more in the world.


16. I have learned that I am terrible at maintaining friendships. Not only am I terrible at it, I am jealous of those who arent. I havent always been this way but for some reason I cant remember how I did it before.


17. Musicals make my heart sing. I grew up on the classics. Summer Stock is my all time favorite.Annie makes me laugh. All of my own performances make me nostalgic. However, if I am cleaning house or crafting my choice would be Madea Goes to Jail (dont hate).


18. I miss singing in choir. I quit one choir/praise team for theatre which led me to a new choir. I quit the new choir to date my husband more or less. And now, I am in no choir and miss the feelings you get when you're singing with others (choir, theatre, or otherwise).


19. I want to take my husband to New York more than anything. To show him the things that flood my mind any time we watch ANYTHING that was filmed in NY. To let him feel the energy of the city. But Im not sure how to make that a reality without breaking the bank.


20. There are very few things that can brighten my day as instantly as hearing "Ant Mallowy" from my niece Kynlee. Shes the most precious 5 year old I know and I feel blessed to be her aunt. Its a joy to watch her grow up, though it sure does make me feel old!

LOVE...changes your heaven

I only write here and there these days....I wish I were better at  keeping up a blog but I'm just not. Oh well!

I just feel compelled to write about love. About the different things going on in my life that are constant reminders that love is all knowing, all changing, all encompassing, all around us. At least it is in my life. I have an amazing husband who loves me everyday despite how I may treat him or how clean our house is. I have a God who gives me love through all things though I don't deserve it. I have a family who continues to love me though we don't speak or see each other as often as we may life. I have an office, who truly values me as a team member. I have a dog who loves me when Jer's not around (haha). And I have a theatre family who despite my absence in the recent months, treat me as if I haven't been gone at all. I have all I could ever want really.

Without love...life wouldn't be worth it for me. That's what life is about for me. Love.

I try to love as unconditional as I can. Its a challenge some days, but I do try! We all should. There's nothing more precious than to see someones face when you've shown them love through kindness. For instance, Jer and I decided to go out on an arcade date last Friday. We wanted to go to Dave & Busters but we are just not willing to wait for hours...so hopefully the newness will wear off and eventually we'll make it there. In the meantime, we just went to HeyDay (secretly one of my favorite places I think). After watching the celebrity game and eating our pizza we started with our $20 of tokens and played pretty much every game in the place. At one point, we had played air hockey and I had started to walk away and this precious little boy came up and said "excuse me, you forgot these" and handed me my 4 tickets (I had lost obviously). I was so impressed!!! I promise there are not many kiddos there that would have given them to me instead of pocketing the tickets. I waved thanks to his dad, who has done a wonderful job raising a kid with manners and integrity.

So we decided that we would just win tickets to give to this little guy. Let me tell you...my husband is good at games. Particularly the shoot-em-up zombie ones. If I had let him, he would have played that all night I think. My favorites were Wheel of Fortune and pretty much anything that your tickets are based on timing. We ended up with 604 tickets! I may be wrong, but that felt like a heck of a lot. We tried to find the polite boy from before, however he was no where to be found. So we decided the smallest kid in the place would be the lucky one. It just so happened that the smallest kid was with the biggest (toughest looking) dad so I made Jer go up to them and give them our ticket receipt (I'm a wuss, I know). They were so polite and thankful. The little boy said "thank you" muffled through his mouth full of pizza and he got out of his chair and gave Jer a big hug. It was the most priceless moment. Well worth every cent of our date. Kindness pays off in a currency that can not be measured. And to me, showing kindness is love.

Jeremiah and I were able to go to the 2011 Season Poteet Awards show this weekend as well. These are always so special to me as this theatre has been a huge part of who I am today. It was incredibly exciting to watch all the surprised volunteers and kids receive their awards. It was even more exciting to watch Carousel win all but 2 categories (and one of those were one by our "Mr. Laurence" so that was an okay one). It just brought tears to my eyes to see the people be so thankful and speak about what an amazing place they have there. 90% or more of the people spoke about how Poteet is a family. I was weepy because its true! Its the most wonderful accepting family Ive known. It felt so good to be in their presence having not done anything since Carousel. They are home to me. They always will be. Ive spent countless hours there over the years and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

They're what made me fall in love with being a part of theatre. They're a support system that encouraged me to not be so hard on myself or shy .... which then led me to dating my husband! They're the reason I have MANY dear friends. They're the reason I felt confident enough to join choir which led to singing on the praise team. And Carousel itself was such a special moment for me for its own reasons. I was engaged, planning a wedding, moving into a new apartment...stage managing a cast of 54 directed by Cyndi. And if you've ever done a show with her, you know it means late late nights sometimes (though those are the greatest memories of my life). But most importantly, I lost my grandma during that show. They not only gave me permission and told me to go, when it was time to go say goodbyes. They handled everything seamlessly and surrounded me in love the whole time. I truly have never felt more tough, sincere love than I did when Cyndi and Shawna told me to get out of there and go do what I needed to do. If they hadn't done that, I wouldn't have gotten to say goodbye. The love of that place, is unending. I don't care what stage of my life I'm in...I will be involved there to some capacity. I was blessed to be able to spend Sunday helping with auditions, which just made my month to be there all day with them. They are irreplaceable. They are family.

And then we have a precious little girl named Katie Mei. I worked with her during Carousel as well.  She was one of our little children who never missed. Always knew where to be, in what clothes with what prop. In fact, she got a tooth broken during the show and only missed 2 scenes! And on top of that, shes absolutely the sweetest thing you will ever know. Recently, she was diagnosed with stage 2 Hodgkin's Lymphoma . I cant imagine what that news did to her and her family. But I will tell you what, she's a fighter. She's tough. Her mom keeps everyone updated, and Katie Mei is smiling her way though it as best she can. They came in on Sunday while I was helping with some auditions (time of my life I might add) and she was just as lively and happy as could be. I'm telling you, her spirit is special. This will not defeat her by any means. It is just giving her an amazing story to tell. Shawna was a dear and had bracelets made for everyone to wear in support of her. So that when you look around that building and other places and see the purple band, Katie Mei knows she is loved and supported by everyone. I wear mine proudly, ready for the day she gets to hear the words "its gone".

All this novel to just say how grateful I am for the love that surrounds me and those in my life. It keeps me going.