Balancing Two Loves

I am finding myself completely baffled by people that have it together. And by "it" I mean their lives. And by "their lives" I mean that they don't seem to have any trouble balancing everything they want, need, and hope to do. Maybe its all a mask and they really don't have it together. Maybe that's part of the balancing act is just making it appear that you're balancing everything. Being a magician. Maybe? It sure would make me feel alot better if that were the case.

Ive been in this situation before. But its never really carried as much weight as it does now. I'm working a 9-5:30 job, going to school 4 nights a week, have a dog that needs attention, and a man that I love and want to spend time with. Not to mention a family, friends, and the costume shop. Theres just not enough time in the days to do it all. The sad part about all of that, is a huge part of my life used to be theatre. I lived and breathed it. And now, I find it hard to even make it to other people's shows due to my own life continuing as normal. But the catch is, I'm not living my life with regrets. Im not sitting around hating life. I love my life. I love the people in it. I just am starting to miss my first love....the theatre.

How do people balance that? More specifically, how do couples balance their relationships when they're also involved in theatre? I know just from school demanding so much time that it can put a strain on a relationship to spend that much time apart. But there must be some magical equation that makes it work? No? Then surely theres some keys. Im at a point where I dont want to do theatre just to do it. That its okay to say no when Id only be doing something out of obligation. That in itself was huge. But what happens when I want to do something...but I also would like to spend time with the man I love? I dont know. Ive never been in love. And theatre is a big part of who I am. So how do I make them jive together?

I just feel so torn. I want to do both. I want to spend time with him, and still be involved in shows. But when Im involved in shows, my time with him is minimal...and that is a sad sad thing for me (and him). However, if I dont do shows, I eventually start getting the itch of missing them. I cant imagine my life without Jeremiah. But I cant imagine my life without theatre either. I dont want to choose between the two. I wont. They will coexist in my life. They have to. I just have to figure out how. How to balance it with all the other hats I wear.

Theres an opportunity that has come up to stage manage for a director that I love dearly and have worked with often. The catch is, rehearsals start 2 weeks after my school ends. Then there are two weeks off for holidays and we pick back up for rehearsals in January and rehearse til we open totaling about 6 weeks. By the time school is out, Ive just had 8 weeks of hardly seeing Jeremiah. They've been hard so far, and I can imagine they'll be harder as it continues. So to ask a patient loving man to spend another 6 weeks away from me? I feel like its cruel on some level. He's wonderful and tells me to do what I want to do. He will support me in whatever I decide. He wants me to be happy and wants me to not give up things I love. But I love them both. So, its just simply I dont know how to decide. There are consequences to each decision. Cant I just do both? haha

I know that next summer I will be busy starting in June running through the end of July with Carousel (which Ive been planning on since this last summer). And then I'm going to audition for Annie which will run next fall (its been over a year since I've been in a show already, by then it will have almost been 2 so Im really hoping that will work out). So if I take this Dec/Jan/Feb job, it will be three shows in one year. Ive done more before and loved it. But I had no one else to think about. My time was not better spent any other way. Now it is.... not that its better but its a whole different kind of deal. I wont do theatre all my life. Eventually I'll be too old or have too many kids or things of my own to do. I do plan on being with him all my life. But those facts dont make my decision any easier on whether to commit to another show.

I know its possible. I know it can happen. I just need to figure out how.

Or clone myself.